Reflective Listening

I work at a residential treatment facility for teenage boys who have Asperger’s syndrome and other learning and social disabilities. As a mentor, a significant part of my job consists of helping these boys learn social skills, how to build and maintain positive interpersonal relationships, and how to express themselves in appropriate ways. Part of this learning process includes conflict, which is often mediated by staff members. Reflective listening allows staff to understand the nature of the problem, find out what the student is feeling and thinking, and develop a relationship of trust.

One afternoon at work, one of the students (I’ll call him John, to preserve anonymity) hurt himself while he was playing around in a manner that could have been construed as threatening. He was visibly upset and blamed me for his injury, which was a minor (but painful) scratch on the inside of his lip. We sat down in the hallway and started to talk about what had just happened. While reflective listening works best when both parties of the conversation are using it, the next best thing is if one person is at least trying, which is what I was doing (and not necessarily doing a spectacular job of it, I might add). I felt bad that he was hurt, and he appeared to be feeling worse than what the situation seemed to call for, but I couldn’t get all of the reasons out of him. At that moment, John’s therapist came into the hall and provided a masterful example of reflective listening, asking the right questions and responding to the feelings and thoughts that were racing through John. In a matter of minutes, John was able to express what he was going through, and we were able to attain an understanding with each other.

This experience has been followed by other, less dramatic instances where John and I have been able to talk to each other and build our relationship through reflective listening, even in casual conversations about the books he likes to read. I have been much more attentive to reflective listening in our conversations. Even though he does not open up to me as much as he did to his therapist that day, our relationship has improved to the point where we are able to have fun with each other and get the things done he needs to do. Most significant to me is he is willing to do things I ask and listen to what I have to say because he has learned I am willing to listen to what he has to say. Generally, I have found this principle to be true in any kind of relationship; there is always give and take, and you only get what you put in. 

This link leads to a blog post that describes reflective listening in much greater detail.